Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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