I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
