Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
