OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
