How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
