Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
