Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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