forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
