is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
