He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
