If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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