omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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