areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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