***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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