HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
