I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
