i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
