She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
