Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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