One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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