i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
