I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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