New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
