At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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