so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize