I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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