Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
