Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
