Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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