Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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