A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
