I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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