we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
