i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
