How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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