It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
