i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dear god my vagina.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
