Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
