he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
