dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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