and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
