College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
