he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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