i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
