I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
