His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
