Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
