She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
