just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
we're so committed to being not committed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
