Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
