My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
