Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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