i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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