If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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