I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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