seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
