I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
