maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
